hi guys. i know it's been a while. a lot has been happening, and though i've been writing, finding the time to post is hard. lately, i've been on a rollercoaster. ups and downs all around. i just got a new job, but i feel like i'm failing at it. i made a new friend, but i feel like i'm not good enough. i thought i had control of my mental health, but i don't. i guess this is all the effects of the blood moon. i've been updating my youtube channel a lot, and was going pretty strong with veda, but i had to stop, because it was just too much pressure. i feel like i'm floating through like currently, and it's not a good feeling. it's weird because i'll feel such high moments, and then hit rock bottom. right now, i don't really feel comfortable in my own skin. and my anxiety is getting worse, and it's showing physically. right now, i just don't feel like i'm in control of anything.
did you notice my formatting was different? i've been writing longer poems recently, and now they are more like paragraphs than short poems. but as always, enjoy + comment!
I’m ugly from within and hideous from without. I have not found equilibrium beauty.
I miss him, in that he watered my garden of optimism and relieved me of my fear that I didn’t have the capacity to cause anyone to feel anything other than nothing. Last season was a monsoon of misunderstandings and anger and sweet words. now I still wait by my phone to see if he’ll break ground on this drought.
There’s not much for me in this world. I realized that. I am caught in my own parachute, plummeting to my own death as fast as the wind blows through the hair I’ve lost. There’s not much for me in this world.
Every day the tape restarts and every night the tape rewinds. I get up. I fail. I go back to sleep. I lose control. I don’t eat. I panic in my own sheets. I reveal too much. I retract. I pick their inner minds and sift through their strangest desires.
I wish someone desired me.
I hear the earth in my ear drums
I hear the land in my soul
I hear the water in my chest
I feel the anxiety take mold.
thanks for stopping by,